Monday, March 4, 2013

Sound Like Anyplace You Know?



Below are the qualifications, positions and salary ranges for senior administrative positions at Patronage State University. Please circle your specific qualifications which will enable us to place you in the most appropriate position. These are the only qualifications necessary for a top administrative job at Patronage State University; we do not worry about things like Affirmative Action, Equal Opportunity, or competence for that matter.

Position #1
QUALIFICATIONS: Politically connected to a former Mayor, a State Senator and a so-called Reverend. No scholarly activity in the 40-plus years since receiving a terminal degree. No experience at a four-year institution and a proven record of disastrous and unsuccessful leadership in a Community College system. POSITION: University President. SALARY: $250,000+

Position #2
QUALIFICATIONS: Close associate of the President, preferably a lover, former lover or flunky from his previous job. POSITION: Some kind of Vice President or Associate Vice President. SALARY: $110,000-$150,000.

Position #3
QUALIFICATIONS: Close associate, although not intimate with the President. Capable of producing policies that directly contradict the first amendment to the Constitution. Able to expose the university to nationwide ridicule for said policies. POSITION: Legal Counsel. SALARY: One hell of a lot more than you’re worth.

Position #4
QUALIFICATIONS: No compunctions about doing anything the President asks. Able to produce whitewashed “investigations” that answer questions not even asked. POSITION: Director, likely of Human Resources. SALARY: $80,000+ but you can expect a raise of at least $20,000 if you play ball.

Position #5
QUALIFICATIONS: Relative of a local Politician. POSITION: Some kind of Director. SALARY: $80,000+

Position #6
QUALIFICATIONS: A relative or friend of a local politician or someone in the administrative team. A high school diploma (preferred). No administrative experience. POSITION: An Assistant Director, probably of Financial Aid. SALARY: $60,000+

There may be additional administrative positions available, please check our website.

At the present time, we regret that we cannot accept applications from persons under the age of 10 years or who have not completed the fourth grade, no matter how well-connected you are. We are working to change this discriminatory policy and feel confident that we will soon be able to hire kindergardeners, if not for administrative positions, at least for consulting gigs. Unfortunately, it looks like the top salary we will be able to pay for those positions is $40,000.

No need to send your application through official channels, just have your well-connected political relative drop it off in the President’s office. Alternatively, you may call our president directly on his private line--you know the number. If you wish to submit something via the mail--and if you're actually able to write more than two or three sentences in coherent English--the mailing address is: Office of the President Dewey "Jesus" Cheatem, Patronage State University, $$$1 Eatswill Lane, Bent City, IL 60500


  1. You forgot the main one:

    Position #7
    QUALIFICATIONS: Politically connected to a current or former governor and able to change mind when called upon by university’s political benefactors. Years of dedicated service to either the business and civic community but willing to override that service in favor of requests from university’s political benefactors. Proven record of indecisiveness and vagueness in both conversation and actions when presented with situations that require immediate actions. Willing to step aside from said position in a moment’s notice for the benefit of the university, err, university’s political benefactors. POSITION: Member, Board of Trustee. (7 positions available). SALARY: $0 (able to hire tons of neighborhood friends and distant cousins)

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  3. Unfortunately, here at Patronage State, we are only able to make places available for pigs swilling at our trough. If you want to send this to the appropriate person, we suggest writing Illinois Governor Pusillanimous Quiverer, Eunuch Building, Springfield, Illinois, 61655.

  4. PSU, indeed!! It's funny because it's so true. And sad because it's so true.

  5. Wait a minute. You forgot to include the requirement of the hand-written essay/pop test that must be administered before employment to assure literacy. Or is that just for people who have completed doctoral dissertations?

  6. Perhaps you should come down off of your pedestal and stop thinking of the City Colleges as an "inferior system of higher education". I had already started to encourage my students to avoid CSU and will now advise my colleagues to do the same. You can then watch your enrollments decrease even more. By the way, I have had more than a couple of your CSU students come to take my classes at CCC so that they could avoid some less than stellar teaching at your institution.

    1. Sorry you feel that way, but in this context I don't use inferior as a value judgment, it's simply a reference to City Colleges as non-bachelor's degree granting institutions. Check the dictionary for the various definitions of the word.

    2. I have changed the language to make my meaning clearer. Judging by your response, the most concise way to express my thoughts might not have been the clearest. Just for the record, I have tremendous respect for Community Colleges, I began my college career in one.

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