Given the reality of hiring here at Crony State University, I have taken the liberty of redesigning the somewhat cumbersome employment application currently in use. Persons applying for administrative jobs (in the event that they actually do so) should not have to answer a bunch of silly questions. Therefore, I have streamlined the application to require only what I believe to be the most pertinent information. I believe our public documents should reflect our actual employment practices so here is my suggestion. I welcome any editorial comments.
CRONY STATE UNIVERSITY
APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
General Information: There are two categories of employees at Crony State University: 1) those who are classified as “Friends of Wayne Watson” (his friends and/or political associates or friends of his friends; 2) everyone else. Accordingly, there are two parts to this application. Part A includes required information for applicants who do not know Wayne Watson. Political associates, friends of Wayne Watson or friends of his friends submit part B of the application.
Highest Degree Awarded (the university will require verification of your degree before employment commences):
Work Experience (the university will verify your work experience before employment commences):
Salary: Will be the budgeted salary for the position.
Certificate of Truthfulness: I certify that all statements on This Application for Employment are true to the best of my knowledge. I understand and agree that the statements made herein may be investigated and, if found to be false, will be sufficient reason for not being employed, or if employed, will be cause for dismissal, when discovered.
I certify that all information provided is true and complete.
How Are You Connected to Wayne Watson? (be specific here, are you a close friend, or do you know someone who knows him? If your influence comes from political connections, give the name of the political figure):
Highest Degree Awarded (don’t worry if you don’t have the required degree or that you don’t even have a degree, just put anything you think appropriate on the application):
Work Experience (Make up anything here you feel is pertinent):
Salary: Employees hired in the “Friends of Wayne” category typically start in the $90,000 and above range; lower salaries are for the “little people” at this university.
Certificate of Truthfulness: This is not applicable to “Friends of Wayne.” If someone discovers your lies, you will not be terminated. In addition, lying on your application is no impediment to advancement.
Here at Crony State, we value persons who have demonstrated their ability to lie and cheat to secure gainful employment. We will support your efforts until public disclosures of your various misdeeds become so embarrassing (unlikely as our sense of shame is virtually non-existent) that we can no longer maintain you on the payroll. In that case, we will attempt to secure a position for you with one of our numerous benefactors.