PATRONAGE STATE UNIVERSITY
EMPLOYMENT APPLICATION–ADMINISTRATIVE POSITIONS
Below are the qualifications, positions and salary ranges for senior administrative positions at Patronage State University. Please circle your specific qualifications which will enable us to place you in the most appropriate position. These are the only qualifications necessary for a top administrative job at Patronage State University; we do not worry about things like Affirmative Action, Equal Opportunity, or competence for that matter.
QUALIFICATIONS: Politically connected to a former Mayor, a State Senator and a so-called Reverend. No scholarly activity in the 40-plus years since receiving a terminal degree. No experience at a four-year institution and a proven record of disastrous and unsuccessful leadership in a Community College system. POSITION: University President. SALARY: $250,000+
QUALIFICATIONS: Close associate of the President, preferably a lover, former lover or flunky from his previous job. POSITION: Some kind of Vice President or Associate Vice President. SALARY: $110,000-$150,000.
QUALIFICATIONS: Close associate, although not intimate with the President. Capable of producing policies that directly contradict the first amendment to the Constitution. Able to expose the university to nationwide ridicule for said policies. POSITION: Legal Counsel. SALARY: One hell of a lot more than you’re worth.
QUALIFICATIONS: No compunctions about doing anything the President asks. Able to produce whitewashed “investigations” that answer questions not even asked. POSITION: Director, likely of Human Resources. SALARY: $80,000+ but you can expect a raise of at least $20,000 if you play ball.
QUALIFICATIONS: Relative of a local Politician. POSITION: Some kind of Director. SALARY: $80,000+
QUALIFICATIONS: A relative or friend of a local politician or someone in the administrative team. A high school diploma (preferred). No administrative experience. POSITION: An Assistant Director, probably of Financial Aid. SALARY: $60,000+
There may be additional administrative positions available, please check our website.
At the present time, we regret that we cannot accept applications from persons under the age of 10 years or who have not completed the fourth grade, no matter how well-connected you are. We are working to change this discriminatory policy and feel confident that we will soon be able to hire kindergardeners, if not for administrative positions, at least for consulting gigs. Unfortunately, it looks like the top salary we will be able to pay for those positions is $40,000.
No need to send your application through official channels, just have your well-connected political relative drop it off in the President’s office. Alternatively, you may call our president directly on his private line--you know the number. If you wish to submit something via the mail--and if you're actually able to write more than two or three sentences in coherent English--the mailing address is: Office of the President Dewey "Jesus" Cheatem, Patronage State University, $$$1 Eatswill Lane, Bent City, IL 60500